To Be Loved
by boomhowell
Summary: "We all want to be loved, don't we?"
I shook my head as I stopped playing my piano, embracing the mistake that I made. I wasn't the greatest person in the world to play piano music but I could say that I was, at the very least, decent at playing. The classical sound of the strings and mallets inside the piano working is fascinating to me, reminding me that I'm also still alive. I start playing again and I let the music flow through my fingertips and escape to my own world where I'm constantly playing piano versions of the music from Final Fantasy 7.

"Dan! Stop playing the damn piano! I'm trying to work down here!" A voice yelled from the living room. That would, of course, be my father.

I sighed and I closed the piano lid and I grab my ukulele that my friend Dodie gave me as a gift last week. I start strumming and I smile because of how much I remember I love this thing.

"I swear to God, Daniel!" He shouted again.

"Can I not do anything in this household?!" I yell back, putting my ukulele beside my piano and open my window for some fresh air. It's been the same routine over and over again since my dad and my mother stopped talking to each other. He never really appreciates me anymore, hell he never even pays attention to me. When he gets the chance to, he always needs to blame me for something.

"You haven't taken out the garbage! It stinks like your arsehole in this kitchen!"

"You're so lazy! The dishes are piling up sky high because you can't get off your bum to clean dishes."

What has he been doing? Absolute bugger all. My mom and I always cook food ─if you count ordering takeaways almost every night as cooking, then yes we definitely cook─, and we always clean up after ourselves. He's the one that needs to get off his computer when he says he's "doing work," when really he's probably chatting up girls on some lousy messenger website.

I take my phone off the charger and I start texting Dodie, one of my best friends from high school.

dan: want to meet up?

Almost instantly, I get a reply back.

dodie: daddy problems?

I smile and I start typing back.

dan: i guess. bring the ice cream pls. and maybe bring carrie or louise with you.

dodie: meet me there in 5 :)

I shove my phone in my pocket and I rush down the stairs.

"Where do you think you're going?" My father says from behind me as I put on my shoes.

"None of your business. I'll be back before dinner anyways." I mumble as I grab my jacket and I close the door behind me, dragging my feet across the pavement. I somewhat regret the fact I wore a much thinner jacket for colder weather in England. Why is does England have crap weather?

Suddenly, a warm liquid is spilled all over my front and it completely drenched me. Just my luck.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry, I'm such a klutz..." The person exclaimed. His expression was purely filled with guilt.

"It's fine." I muttered in reply. "This jacket wasn't exactly the most expensive thing in the world."

"So who are you, Mr. Mysterious? I'm Phil," He says, wiping my jacket with a bunch of napkins then holding out his hand to me.

I took his hand and shook it. "Name's Dan Howell, not like that's important anyways."

"Well, Dan, it's nice to meet you, but I got to go. I hope this isn't the last time I see you." The person named Phil smiled, then waved goodbye as he left.

Maybe this day isn't going to be as bad as I thought.

After a while of trying to explain to Dodie that my jacket was completely alright and that the person that drenched me in a caramel macchiato wasn't my soulmate, we made it off to Starbucks. It wasn't an awkward walk, as both of us talked about random shit along the way, which gained a few stares and gasps from mothers who had children with them when we talked about certain things.

"So," I started, sitting in the Starbucks booth across from her. "What is the 411? What are the details in the life of Dodie Clark?"

"You're already making my life sound more exciting than it actually is." She says, putting down her coffee cup. "To be quite honest with you, everything's been exactly the same. Uni went as well as I wanted and my friend and I are planning to move in a flat together. Nothing new."

"I'm thinking of moving out." I blurt out. And at that moment, she almost did a double take.

"What?! Dan, why?" She exclaims.

"You know how bad my living conditions are." I stated, taking a drink of my coffee. "Besides, I make enough money."

She scoffed. "Yeah, that's because the librarian is good friends with your mom."

"Whatever makes the money, Dodie."

"Well, Dan," She says, looking straight at me. "I'm happy for you then. I'm glad you're moving out of a really shit house and stuff."

"Thanks." I smile. "I'm gonna try and move tonight at around 7. I'll leave notes for my parents and stuff."

"Do you want me to come around yours and help you out?"

"Yeah, of course. Well, not because I have a lot of stuff with me, but because you're my best friend." I reply.

Dodie blushes. "Don't butter me up here, Howell."

"I try." I let out a small laugh. "Anyways, let's go. I have to leave in 10."

We both say thank you to the baristas and we're both off to go back to our respective houses. We link our arms and we laugh and smile along the way until Dodie leaves to go down her street and I'm left by myself. Like I usually am. So now, I've told the two most important people in my life about my huge decision. Surprisingly, Dodie was less enthusiastic about the move than my mom was. She literally flipped out.

Five minutes of walking later, I finally reach my "temporary" home. Just to think that in a few minutes I'll be escaping this hell hole to move some place else. It's music to my ears. I open the door and I see my father with his arms cross and a stern look on his face, which was far from something even remotely happy.

I plaster on a fake smile and spit out words like they're poison whilst I sit down at the dining table. "Hello, how was you're day?" I say this so sarcastically, I can hear my mom on the couch, stifling a laugh.

"Where the hell have you been, Dan? It's been 3 hours and 5 damn minutes!" My dad shouts at me.

"Hah, like you totally would've cared if something happened to me. Like if I got hurt, injured, or that I could have possibly even be killed. You'd probably be happy." I reply and I hear my mom go up the stairs. Probably getting the last few things ready.

He sighs. "Do you know how much of a fucking shithead you are? You are so lazy, you don't cook and you're always on your phone! Like why don't you do anything? Like clean the damn dishes or something. Also what the hell is up with you staying out with that Dodie girl for like 3 hours? What, is she giving you blowjobs every time you see her?"

At this point, he starts waffling on about how many things I've done wrong, how Dodie is using me for her personal reasons and that he should've gave me up for adoption. He's not even looking at me anymore. Slowly, I back away from him. Then quietly, I run up the stairs, get in my room and slam the door behind me. I guess I shut him up for a while because he stopped yelling on the top of my lungs.

"Everything ready?" My mom says from the corner of my room. I take out my phone and text Dodie that I need a ride.

"Yeah, I guess." I say, looking around the room and shoved my phone back in my pocket. I take a picture frame from the top of my piano, which had a picture of myself and my mum. I smile and I carefully put it in my suitcase.

"I can't believe you're leaving already. Though I'd be able to see you everyday until at least a month into university." My mom says, sitting on my bed.

"You can always visit me. It's not like I'm out of your life forever. Besides, I need to come back for this piano." I reply back with a smile. She opens her arms and she engulfs me in a huge hug.

I'm gonna miss having her around.

Suddenly, I hear a car horn beeping from outside my window. I look through my window and Dodie waves to me.

"Well," I turn to my mum again. "This is it, I guess." Before I could say anything else, she embraces me in a hug, laced with tears. I've never seen her cry that much.

"Never forget who you are, ok? Don't let anyone, especially your father and people like him, get in your way." She whispers in my ear. I just nod in response and I let go. I grab my ukulele on the side of my piano and I jump out my window onto our grass. I look back at my mother and all she can do is wave to me in a sea of tears. I wave back with a sad smile and I get into Dodie's car.

"Ready to go?" She asks me.

"I guess."

Finally after 3o minutes of driving, we make it to the apartment building. It wasn't the fanciest of buildings, but it isn't the most rubbish so I guess it'll have to do.

"You going to come with me?" I ask Dodie.

She shook her head. "Sorry, bub. I wish I could but I can't. Mum wants me to go shopping with her for this huge work party she needs to go to. But, you know I would if I could, right?"

I nod my head in response. "Yeah, of course. See you later then." I grab my stuff from her trunk and I hug her goodbye. As she drives away, she waves to me and then I'm left all alone in front of an apartment building. I open the doors to the building and I see someone already at the front desk.

"Hey!" The person exclaims and the face was immediately recognizable. They come up to me and try to figure me out. "Dan, right?"

I nod in response and I walk up to the lady at the front desk. "I came here yesterday with my mom and her real estate agent to choose apartment 1058. I've talked to one of your co-workers last night on the phone about this."

"So, Mr. Howell. What're you doing getting an apartment by yourself?" He asks.

"Because, I have reasons and you don't exactly need to know. If anything, I should be asking you." I mutter in reply.

"Uh, sorry to interrupt this wonderful conversation, gentlemen." The lady at the desk interjects. "Here are your keys."

"Thank you." I smile in reply and make my way into the elevator. He tries to follow me into the elevator but it closed on time. Hallelujah that the Phil guy is gone. I would've never been able to sleep at night. Which would make the conditions even worse considering that I usually don't get a 'good night's sleep.'

I get off the elevator and open the door to my new home. The atmosphere felt warm and welcoming, other than the last place I've lived. The place was also already furnished as last week, my mom and I already moved my stuff into this place. I guess it was because not a lot of people had this apartment before.

"Knock, knock!" Someone exclaims from the door. Oh no. Not this guy.

"You know," I say, turning around and opening the door. "When people are knocking, they actually knock on the door."

"Well, I have my hands full because you forgot your stuff down in the lobby. Wouldn't it be a shame if a robber stole your stuff? That'd be a real buzzkill." He finishes, handing me my stuff.

"Thanks, Phil." I reply, closing the door. He was about to say something, but I'm not exactly in the mood for talking to anybody. Hell, I wasn't in the mood for anything. I wanted to sleep my life away and let the world live without me. It could better off without me, It seems like it would fine if I was just gone one day and nobody knew. I wasn't exactly depressed,—I wasn't diagnosed— but I tend to just constantly think about how life would be greater without my contribution to the world and, of course what I did to Phil, shut people out. You might say it's depression, but apparently to the people in the medical suits, it's not.

I sigh as I walk up the stairs with my suitcase and flop into my bed in my new bedroom. I close my eyes and I fall asleep, my mind telling me horrible thoughts as my lullaby.

length: 2k

first chapter complete ! i feel way more comfortable doing it this way and i don't think that i'll try and quit writing this again.

but anyways, i think this story's going to be a lot of fun! hope all of you will like this story as much as i do.

-cait


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